resetting...?
i've been debating whether i should buy a journal or use this site again. it's been a year since i first found bearblog. but as with everything else in my life, i just didn't find the discipline and consistency to carry on updating it. anyhow, i'd resolved to just using this. cus who am i kidding? i'd spend money i don't have on a journal. write a page or two, then forget all about it.
so where to start, really? what's changed in the past year? not much tbh. still gambling instead of trading, still holding on to a relationship that keeps slipping out of my fingers. it's as though the more i try to hold tighter on to things, the more i'm losing grip.
same day last year, i didn't have a job. today, i still don't have one. just got fired about two weeks ago. it's crazy, i know. i lied though. there's at least one thing in my life i've been so consistent with – and that's holding on to things when i clearly should be letting go. i don't cut my losses and just keep on hoping it'll all turn around. and that's true about all aspects on my life. relationships, trading, you name it.
despite everything, i feel like things are gonna work out and better things are coming ahead. not in a delusional optimism kind of way, but more like knowing that things can finally go my way as long as i'm willing to change. i know i'm probably gonna fail a few more times, and i know it's gonna take a lot of fucking work. but i also know that things aren't gonna get better if i keep doing the same shit over and over again. i guess that's the kind of optimism i have right now. not blindly believing that things will work out, but knowing that they eventually can, as long as i'm willing to put in the work and change the things that need changing.
the problem is... right now i just don't know where to fucking start.