i am so afraid of starting small...
in hindsight, a lot of the losses i've had in life in the past year is from trying to make huge leaps. about a year and a half ago, i got a windfall large enough to change my life. and i did – i did change my life but in ways i didn't think through. resigned from the highest paying job i've ever had only to never find a new one that matched the environment and the compensation. bought my dream car only to let it go six months later.
i aimed and leapt so fucking high when i should have been climbing the ladder one step at a time. i don't know. i guess i thought i could skip some rungs and end up in the same place i wanna be faster. only i didn't. i jumped so high only to fall flat on my face. where exactly did that get me? farther than where i even started.
few months before that windfall, my brother died. for a while, i was stuck feeling like i was running out of time. that life can end in an instant. and i guess some part of me was afraid i'd die one day without getting to where i wanna be. i think for the most part, i tried to make big changes in my life with that in mind.
but if i really take the time to introspect, i guess i was ashamed of starting small. i wanted my progress to be quick and dramatic enough to feel like i am getting somewhere. why? i don't even know. maybe cus i feel like if the change is too small, it won't be big or loud enough for anyone to notice. but then i ask myself – whose attention am i trying to get exactly? why does progress not feel like one when it's not visible to others? am i doing the things i'm doing for myself or for somebody else? who am i trying to impress?
why am i living my life as if someone is watching when in reality, everybody is too busy minding their own lives? i act as if people are interested in what's going on with my life that i forget everyone's carrying enough baggage of their own to care about someone else's.
so again, why am i so afraid to start small? why do i feel like if the steps are too small, i won't get to where i wanna be?