what if i'm just not cut out for this?
how many times does a person need to fail before they give up on something? how many years before they realize they're on the wrong path and something isn't worth pursuing? is it after five, ten years? after failing a hundred or a thousand times? when does one say, this isn't working out for me and i gotta give up?
i've been trading regularly for over a year and a half now. on and off for about eight years. wow. now that i think about it, i've been trading close to a decade. still not profitable. and it's not that i don't know how to trade. or maybe i don't? what i mean is i don't know if i actually have an edge or if my strategy is working. all those years and i've never given myself the chance to stick to my rules and be disciplined and consistent enough to know whether i can actually come out net positive if i'd stuck to my rules consistently and really traded instead of gambled.
i'd get maybe 2-3 days max of a good run where i don't oversize, tilt, revenge trade, FOMO, or force a trade. then it goes downhill from there. everything i gained in those days, gone in a single trade or session. it's the same cycle over and over.
i like to think i'm someone who never gives up. but these days i also think, maybe it's really not for me and i should let it go. and it sucks. it sucks not knowing whether i should give up or keep trying. it sucks feeling like you're capable of something more and never living up to it. all those times where i made a profit or a payout, i think to myself, do i really have the potential or did i just get lucky?
at what point does one need to accept that they're not good at something and move on? is it finally time to cut my losses? when does refusing to give up become refusing to accept reality? and if I do walk away, does that make me someone who gives up, or someone who finally knows when to stop? because what if it worked out? maybe if i try harder, it will. but it's so crazy to think that something will change if you keep doing the same things over and over.
maybe what scares me about giving up isn't just the thought of never becoming profitable. maybe the problem is that i tie my self-worth to things and people. that if it doesn't work out the way i want to, then i am nothing. so i would literally die trying to make it work. because i am afraid of what i have to accept about myself if i gave up – accepting that i am not cut out for this, that i am not good enough or as good as i thought i was. and it's a difficult thing to admit to anyone, even to myself.